I have been a major advocate of Scottish independence since I went there, stood in a glen, and realized that I could romanticize the shit out of that landscape but UK work visas are hard as fuck to get.

Groucho Mac Definition No. 1


  1. a place where undergrads go to look at their phones with a pdf open on their laptops
  2. the building from which your course’s required text has been missing since 2007
  3. the building where a two-editions-old copy of your course’s required text is available
  4. a place everyone assumes is a good place to study but really isn’t because everyone is there and no one is studying
  5. a very dishonest fruit

Unfunded Grad Student Working At A Bed And Breakfast

  • prospective guest: i'm looking for a three night stay.
  • me: what nights?
  • prospective guest: october 29th, 30th, and 31st.
  • me: we are fully booked on the 31st.
  • prospective guest: is it a football game?
  • me: yes.
  • prospective guest: do you have a waiting list? do you think you'll get any cancellations?
  • me: unlikely
  • prospective guest: oh
  • me: you can stay at my place. i have a nice bed. i'm close to downtown.
  • prospective guest: uh ...
  • me: i'll cook you breakfast. i can give you a competitive rate.
  • prospective guest: uh, no thanks.
  • me: please? i need money. you can wear my robe. please? please.
  • prospective guest: i'm going to call the holiday inn.

Horror Story for Twentysomethings No. 36

Andy and Drew were in the reading room of the graduate library. The Holy Roman Empire of campus – no one read it in, no one was a grad student. It was a corral of reference books, surplus chairs, and outlets.

"You don’t have a personal brand," Andy told Drew. He didn’t tell him in a whisper. No one whispered. Everyone had their headphones on, their earbuds in, and the ones who didn’t were obviously nobodies, obviously deserve to exist on the fringes of Everyone – Andy and Drew excluded, Andy and Drew excluded because they’re the characters in this story, making them Someones, and Someones exist apart from Everyone but above Nobody.

Drew nearly knocked his tall Starbucks cup onto his laptop, the 15” MacBook Pro with the now-faded Patagonia stickers. “That’s not true.”

"You’re a franchise."

"That’s not true."

"It’s cool, though, because I am, too." Andy pulled a crumpled Chipotle bag out of the pocket of his NorthFace. "We all are. This is a living, breathing strip mall." He looked around. "In the nice part of town."